In the past I have not been bold about my faith. Mostly because I feel like such a doubting Thomas on a good day, and like a fraud the rest. I’m not perfect, I’m just me. 

I have wrestled my faith to the ground for the majority of my adult life. I don’t know the reason why. Perhaps nothing more than my stubborn human nature.

I was raised to go to church on Sundays. I went to Sunday school and youth group and sang in the choir. And I prayed. I studied the Word of God. I read books on faith and love and hope. I did all the things everyone else in my church community did because that’s all I knew. And when I got into my twenty’s I decided I needed to think for myself. Instead of believing what I had been told to believe my whole life, I had to figure it all out on my own. My situation was not unique, plenty of kids who grew up in church have experienced this shift in their life.

And so for years of my adult life I have ran as fast as I could away from churches. There’ve been stretches where I stayed long enough to make a few connections, but as soon as life’s circumstances took me elsewhere I was GONE. But as the years have crept on, the thing that became more and more clear is that I wasn’t running from relationships. No I desperately, deep down wanted those still, but it was fear that my belief isn’t enough that kept me running. Fear that God would not hear me. Fear that despite my faith my life still might not turn out how I hoped or dreamed.

But what I have to ask myself at the end of every internal argument is this: Do I still believe God is real? Yes. Do I still believe that Christ died for me and loves me more than I’ll ever understand? Yes. Do I still believe these things, even if people I love have given up on faith over the years? Yes.

“The love of God is greater far than pen or word can ever tell…”

Because of that, I have no choice but to try. Try to get love right. Try to accept the grace that’s been so freely given. Because when all is said and done, I still believe. There are still so many things I question about Christianity as a religious organization, but that topic is for another day and time.

Our minds are a gift but our emotions are fickle, and dangerous indeed. So my prayer is that God will place people and circumstances in my path that point me toward Him.

“Keep on coming, these lines on the road. And keep me responsible be a light or heavy load. Keep me guessing, with these blessings in disguise. And I’ll walk by grace my feet and faith my eyes.”  -Caedmon’s Call

{After writing this post, life interrupted for a couple of hours before I could edit and publish it. In that short time, I received a phone call with an unexpected answer to prayer and a huge blessing for our little family. Never underestimate the One who loves us most folks….}

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